‘Jack the Giant Slayer’ Spoiler-Free Movie Review

“A huge wave of relief washed over me as I realized this was not another ‘Hansel and Gretel.’ “

I don’t need to go into details about the story because if you’ve made it this far hopefully you know the fairy tale “Jack and the Beanstalk.” So for my review I’m going to try avoid that all together and save it for you in case you decide to dive in and watch it.

Let me get some of the bad stuff off my chest right away so I can focus on the good stuff. $200 million for the budget? I wonder where all that went… I’m guessing actors and advertising because it sure as heck wasn’t the CG work… The CG sticks out like sore thumb and is really distracting. They don’t do a very good job blending it at all, so I have to dock big points in this area.

OK now that I have that off my chest I will say this: all I could think upon leaving the theater was “Thank you Warner Brothers, & Bryan Singer for making a children’s story come to life and not sucking it up so bad that I wanted to personally hunt down those involved and slap them.” (I’m looking at you, Producers of “Hansel and Gretel.”) The wave of relief that washed over me as I found myself laughing out loud and paying very close attention to everything that was going on, genuinely wanting to know what happened next was much appreciated. “Jack the Giant Slayer” does a lot of things right, the most important being that it is so much fun to watch. It allowed me to return to my childhood for a moment and get excited about a fairy tale. Director Bryan Singer isn’t going to win any awards for his work but let it be known that this geek appreciates his ability to make a fun movie. I loved “The Usual Suspects” and I’m a fan of what he’s been able to do with the “X-Men” franchise. Nicholas Hoult “Warm Bodies” & “About a Boy” steals my heart and is quickly becoming one of my favorite young male actors. That, of course, is without mentioning that he got to play one of my favorite “X-Men” in “X-men First Class,” Beast. The orphaned farmhand turned giant slayer hits the mark in every scene and he works a pretty weak script amazingly well. The young princess Eleanor Tomlinson was perfectly cast next to him and although she didn’t get all that much screen-time she was a true delight.

Stanley Tucci played the bad guy in the film splendidly; I absolutely loathed him which is the mark of a good bad guy. Ian McShane, & Ewan McGregor also killed it and I only wish I could say the same for all the giants, who honestly were OK but were easily the one of the few complaints I had with the film; they were a little disappointing because they were not at all intimidating. One other shootout and a little tidbit that absolutely tickled me was that before you even see Bill Nighy’s giant on screen, his very first line “Do you believe in God?” made my brain flash back to “Pirates of the Caribbean” and hearing Davy Jones utter the line “Do you fear death?”

“Jack the Giant Slayer” was seriously lackluster in the 3D department. If you do go see this fun family film in theaters go see it in 2D. The movie is only rated PG-13 (for intense scenes of fantasy action violence, some frightening images and brief language) and it was much better off for it. Trying to take a children’s fairy tale and turn it into a rated R romp should be done with much caution (right “Hansel and Gretel?”). This movie is absolutely perfect for teenagers and adults who enjoy being in a teenage-like state for a little less than 2 hours. I would absolutely make sure younger children avoid this film as it does have some of the following: scary looking ugly giants who fart, burp, pick their noses, not to mention the occasional person being eaten or stomped on. I guess their mothers didn’t teach them any manners, which brings me to my next point: where were all the women and children giants? How do they reproduce? Anyone know? Also where do the waterfalls from the giant island in the sky fall to exactly? Wouldn’t a constant flow of water from the sky kind of clue everyone into the fact that maybe there is more to this legend of giants in the sky? Speaking of which was it ever explained how the island in the sky stays afloat? WHY DOES IT RAIN SO MUCH IN THIS MOVIE?! Does it really rain that much in that part of the world? WHERE is the goose that laid the golden egg? Lastly, I could have done without the last two minutes; they should have just cut it off without leaving it open for more because if they make a sequel to this movie then I take back every nice thing I just said. They will have effectively taken my childhood dreams and shattered them upon the rocks to cash in.

So in conclusion; this movie isn’t going to change your life or inspire you to do great and wonderful things, or make you a better person for watching it, but I can think of far worse things to do with a couple of hours of your life then watch this fairy tale come to life. The writers, directors and cast clearly didn’t take it too seriously and you shouldn’t either. Should you go and spend the money at the theaters to see it? Well that’s up to you based on what you think of this review and the trailers. Personally I suggest giving it a try as a rental. I will say this though: I will be patiently waiting to see what everyone involved does next, especially “X-men: Days of Future Past”

So my fellow Internet geeks, I have a question to propose to all of you: Are there any other fairy tales they should bring to life or any they should absolutely stay away from? Comment below and let me know! Thank you for stopping by and if you enjoyed my review please share with your friends and come back later!

See our video interview with John Kassir, the small head of General Fallon.