Top 5 Movie Remakes That Sucked
Top 5 Movie Remakes that Sucked
We have all seen it: the remake or TV-to-movie adaptation that should not have been attempted. Here I’ll tell you which are the top five, why each one sucked and of course mention any redeeming qualities. Let’s get to it, shall we?
#5 Conan the Barbarian
Rule number 1 of remakes, don’t remake an Arnold movie! Don’t get me wrong, Jason Momoa has the look and the moves but, you take away those wide-eyed serious scowls that Arnold does so naturally and we see less Conan and more of Kevin Sorbo’s Hercules. The Governator looks like he belongs in a time and place such as Hyboria. Sorry Jason you’re just too, well…not Arnold! Although an excellent Khal Drago.
Now I am all about Stephen Lang as long as he is playing a marine, or a drill Sargent, or anything where this guy is in uniform. Make him Patton or cast him in the biography of R. Lee Ermy and I will stand in line for tickets, but a sword and braided hair? Come one people!
The story was weak, the action was mediocre, and thus this movie earns number 5 in the GeekSmash.com suck bucket.
#4 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Ok I’m sure I will get some flak about speaking harsh words against the great Johnny Depp, but if I cared I wouldn’t write news and reviews, I would have a Johnny Depp fan site (which would make me a 13 year old emo girl). Johnny is a great actor, and one of a handful of actors whom I will watch a movie just because he is in it. That being said, this movie made me want to ask for a refund…and a puke bucket. They made the movie too much about Johnny’s Character and less about the overall story, where is the detail into what happened to the children. It doesn’t have to be about Johnny with every film he is in! Lest we not forget the tunnel/ferry scene. Johnny Depp is known for being a dark character and the one scene where he may have redeemed himself as Wonka they made friendly and happy.
Now on to the Oompa-Loompa travesty. I love Deep Roy but what the producers did to the little actors of the world by only hiring one is terrible. It may seem economically sound but is just lazy filmmaking and boarders on bigotry, not to mention aesthetically boring!
To sum up: Johnny Depp is no Gene Wilder and this DVD becomes a coaster!
#3 Godzilla 1998
Even though I knew this movie starred Matthew Broderick (who hasn’t been awesome since Ferris Bueller) I gave this movie a chance. Now we loved the monster movies growing up, but unfortunately this was one expensive pile of steaming excrement. $130m, that’s $130,000,000 that is a lot of cheddar to spend on poop. Do you know how much BACON this would buy?
Thank Godzilla they had a hot chick to redeem this movie, no wait it was just Maria Pitallo and her terrible acting.
Anyone else notice those baby Godzillas looked more like raptors. Its CGI use some originality!
OMGTMS (oh my Godzilla this movie sucks)
#2 Karate Kid
I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I love Jackie Chan. The story is crap and the majority of the martial arts are less than we would expect from a film with Jackie.
Now for the meat of it. It was a similar movie to Karate Kid but it was supposed to be a remake. The fact that this film was called Karate Kid…not the Kung Fu Kid like it should have been an insult if you’re a practitioner of Karate or Kung Fu. People defend this by saying, “oh, it’s not a big deal, it’s the same thing.” No it most certainly is not the same thing and it is a big deal. If I paint a turd red and put it on a bun and call it a hot dog would you eat it?
#1 Dukes of Hazard
Yeah, yeah, I know, Jessica Simpson hotness made it semi-watchable. So maybe if they just showed her in skimpy outfits for an hour and a half in lieu of trying to be funny, or acting then this film might not have made Geeksmash.com’s crap can.
You can’t convince people that a skateboarder and Midwest pretty boy are the legendary bootleggers from Hazard Kentucky. Sorry guys love you both in other films but this will be the one thing on your IMdb you regret when you are older. Well, Johnny may have a few more but I digress.
Now what the hell was Burt Reynolds thinking taking this part? A trim attractive man playing someone named Boss Hogg? Come on Burt your better than this. The Casting Director should kick out of the business for this unholy FUBAR alone.
No amount of moonshine will make this a good movie, trust me! And for that, this movie earns the prestigious blue ribbon spot on our list of craaaaap.
So that’s my opinion and like butt-holes I’m sure you have one too. However, unlike butt-holes I would like to see/hear yours. Please let me know if you agree, disagree, think I missed something, or just want to sound off.
